ruin.

"ruin me, Father"
You heard me say
praying for what i had so long needed to pray
so the heavens rejoiced
but a tear slid down Your face
You knew that Your daughter, Your love
was going to experience pain.
&so my world crumbled
my safe walls destroyed
i fell to the ground in despair
grief surrounded me
lonely and hopeless
i had forgotten the prayer i had prayed.
i cried out, "why?'
&anger sank in
my gifts had been taken away
so i forged on
half living my life
just continuing on the same
but You followed after
kept by my side
let me grow my own way
the silence was painful
but my soul adjusted
i began to know in different ways
although the same God
my faith was anew
my adoration adapted and changed
finally, i praise You
i thank You, my God
for answering my heavy prayer
for ruin me, You did
but leave me, never
i know that my God remains.

hypocrisy.

"i'm sick of the hypocrisy"

but the question lies,

am i the hypocrisy?

i see it in others

driving me mad

&it pulls at me.

for what i see in them

is what i run from inside

they reflect my fears.

my mind falls away

from the One my heart

&it brings me to tears

paused.

i feel the air

&i breathe it in

but it all just feels the

same.

just "passing through"

since the day i was born

but the passing

never came.

it's no longer staying

&more like stuck

yet there is no one

to blame.

so i feel

&look at my soul

it leaves, my flame.

strength.

just before i hit
&i crash to the bottom
i keep going
&it's so strange
i can be falling
&going
at the same time
&sometimes i wonder
where is this strength from?
&before i finish my question
i know
&even when i doubt Him
He doesn't leave me
&He helps me up
so i can fall
&carry on
because i have a Savior
&He saves me.

learning.

where will my heart go
Lord, what is Your plan?
the mystery of my purpose
lies in your hand.
give me patience
to learn to be still
grant me the wisdom
to accept Your will.
let me breathe Your glory
let my true heart sing
of Your grace &mercy
under the comfort of Your wing.

appreciate.

&i stretch out my hands
move them through the air
taste the salt on my lips
the breeze in my hair
this smile on my face
this growing inside
i feel joy in my midst
overthrowing my pride
with the sun on my cheeks
&the warmth on my skin
thank you, Lord
i know Life again.

i have been emptied.

early this year, i prayed for God to ruin me. in the months following, my life was stripped away. my steady relationship, my easy faith, my summer plans, most everything i thought was "a given" was taken. i did not understand why a Father who loved so much would let me hurt so much. i did not know how to handle having the things that kept me so comfortable gone. i tried to hold on to them &when that didn't work i just focused on what we lost. i slip to the bottom, trying to hold myself as i let the darkness settle. i chose to close my eyes rather than search for whatever Light i could find. i was giving up.
now, seven months since i prayed that dangerous prayer, i am growing. actually, i am thriving! once i learned to get back up &for a new way, my healing truly began. i reconnected with the one person i forgot in all of everything, my spirit. not my selfish wants &desires but the person God created. i had forgotten i was hand crafted with Divine intention. i stopped denying traits that weren't easy. i stopped trying to accommodate others only. i remembered me. it wasn't until i acknowledged that i needed special attention that change really started to happen. finally, i looked at my reflection &the bruised, cut up, poorly attended condition of my soul. &soon, i wasn't just healing, i was growing. my life started to flourish when i started to embrace who i am &well, life. it is no longer about getting to where i used to be. why ho back down a path that obviously wasn't going anywhere? now, my life is about the excitement &adventure of change. in ecclesiastes it talks about there being a season for everything. i now know that it is time for a new season &God is going to bless this new season in new &incredible ways. He already has.

heaven on earth.

"For Jesus, this new kind of life in Him is not about escaping this world but about making it a better place, here and now. The goal for Jesus isn't to get into heaven. The goal is to get heaven here." -Rob Bell

i think we are missing a big part of the Christian faith. so much of the church's focus is on the "get Jesus &get saved" notion but i think that shouldn't be the point. look at Christ's life. He didn't spend all His time waiting for Heaven. He used His time to simply help &to heal. His goal wasn't Heaven after death but bringing the Kingdom here. once we have accepted our place in the family of grace we are not supposed to think only of what is to come. the plan was never get saved &wait. Jesus wants us to bring Heaven to earth." Your Kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven." that is our prayer, but is it just words from our lips or a true desire? our focus needs to be on now &the Creation that surrounds us. when we focus on only the "after life" we lose focus that we are alive now. we are called to bring the joy &comfort &peace that we know through our Father into this life, into this world. everyone should experience Heaven &God. we can be the messengers of love. we can be the bridges of hope.

(mission trip in nicaragua through "puentes de esperanza")

where?

God i don't feel You
i'm sorry for turning away
for putting my flesh in Your place
for making You less
and my humanity so much more
please God, stop this punishment
show me Your face
grant me Your peace
Your comfort
Your holy presence
i'm searching for You
trying to move forward
help me, please
oh God, Your daughter needs You
my God, fill me.

strike.

determined to amend this apathy

to turn my thoughts into prayers

to change my being into joy

i want to put on the Armor

i want to take a stand

against my flesh

against my self

fed up with feeling numb

making an effort to grow closer

making the choice to move ahead

taking the steps rather than standing

still

still doing nothing

still letting my flame ember

still just planning

i will move.

daughter.

Your child so young

exposed to such cruel reality

rush of this world

please help her see

this current is trouble

it will pull her under

&God, i can't explain

i can barely wonder

how something so white

a girl once so pure

can go through this filth

Lord, how can she endure?

give her strength

please hold her close

&oh my Lord

help me make sure knows

the beauty of

Your love and grace

guide her back to

Your warm embrace.

invitation.

close your eyes

and sympathize

with the pain of your Creator

misplaced love

meant for above,

intended for Greater.

wandering souls

hollow goals

drifting away from Light

outstretched arm

sanctuary from harm

the open, Divine Invite.