ruin.

"ruin me, Father"
You heard me say
praying for what i had so long needed to pray
so the heavens rejoiced
but a tear slid down Your face
You knew that Your daughter, Your love
was going to experience pain.
&so my world crumbled
my safe walls destroyed
i fell to the ground in despair
grief surrounded me
lonely and hopeless
i had forgotten the prayer i had prayed.
i cried out, "why?'
&anger sank in
my gifts had been taken away
so i forged on
half living my life
just continuing on the same
but You followed after
kept by my side
let me grow my own way
the silence was painful
but my soul adjusted
i began to know in different ways
although the same God
my faith was anew
my adoration adapted and changed
finally, i praise You
i thank You, my God
for answering my heavy prayer
for ruin me, You did
but leave me, never
i know that my God remains.

hypocrisy.

"i'm sick of the hypocrisy"

but the question lies,

am i the hypocrisy?

i see it in others

driving me mad

&it pulls at me.

for what i see in them

is what i run from inside

they reflect my fears.

my mind falls away

from the One my heart

&it brings me to tears

paused.

i feel the air

&i breathe it in

but it all just feels the

same.

just "passing through"

since the day i was born

but the passing

never came.

it's no longer staying

&more like stuck

yet there is no one

to blame.

so i feel

&look at my soul

it leaves, my flame.

strength.

just before i hit
&i crash to the bottom
i keep going
&it's so strange
i can be falling
&going
at the same time
&sometimes i wonder
where is this strength from?
&before i finish my question
i know
&even when i doubt Him
He doesn't leave me
&He helps me up
so i can fall
&carry on
because i have a Savior
&He saves me.

learning.

where will my heart go
Lord, what is Your plan?
the mystery of my purpose
lies in your hand.
give me patience
to learn to be still
grant me the wisdom
to accept Your will.
let me breathe Your glory
let my true heart sing
of Your grace &mercy
under the comfort of Your wing.

appreciate.

&i stretch out my hands
move them through the air
taste the salt on my lips
the breeze in my hair
this smile on my face
this growing inside
i feel joy in my midst
overthrowing my pride
with the sun on my cheeks
&the warmth on my skin
thank you, Lord
i know Life again.

i have been emptied.

early this year, i prayed for God to ruin me. in the months following, my life was stripped away. my steady relationship, my easy faith, my summer plans, most everything i thought was "a given" was taken. i did not understand why a Father who loved so much would let me hurt so much. i did not know how to handle having the things that kept me so comfortable gone. i tried to hold on to them &when that didn't work i just focused on what we lost. i slip to the bottom, trying to hold myself as i let the darkness settle. i chose to close my eyes rather than search for whatever Light i could find. i was giving up.
now, seven months since i prayed that dangerous prayer, i am growing. actually, i am thriving! once i learned to get back up &for a new way, my healing truly began. i reconnected with the one person i forgot in all of everything, my spirit. not my selfish wants &desires but the person God created. i had forgotten i was hand crafted with Divine intention. i stopped denying traits that weren't easy. i stopped trying to accommodate others only. i remembered me. it wasn't until i acknowledged that i needed special attention that change really started to happen. finally, i looked at my reflection &the bruised, cut up, poorly attended condition of my soul. &soon, i wasn't just healing, i was growing. my life started to flourish when i started to embrace who i am &well, life. it is no longer about getting to where i used to be. why ho back down a path that obviously wasn't going anywhere? now, my life is about the excitement &adventure of change. in ecclesiastes it talks about there being a season for everything. i now know that it is time for a new season &God is going to bless this new season in new &incredible ways. He already has.